Today is only Tuesday. Time seems to pass by so slowly and I do not feel that I am doing much. Yes, there are loads to do in the office, but I am not doing much meaningful work. At least work that I feel meaningful.
I usually associate meaningful work with the process of actually creating something that will last at least my lifetime. Pretty ambitious huh? No. A lot of people are doing that. They create a business and pass them on to their decendents and providing livelihood to people working for the business. Some people write novels. Some people make movies. Some people make music. And so on.
Yes, not every business, novel, movie or music can last. Some are really bad and won’t last a week. But the important thing is that the creator is engaged in doing that work of creating something. The results do not really matter. Of course, if you are good enough, it will last. Some lasts for generations.
I am not doing any such thing. My life in this world is just so temporary and all trace of my existence will vanish when the memory of me vanishes. I do not benefit mankind. I leave nothing for them. I just take.
Thoughts like these can scare me very much. And hours can drag like eternity. But why am I not doing anything about it? That is the frustration. I am frustrated at myself sometimes. But there must be something in me that inhibits me from doing it? Maybe I am just not good enough and doing something like that is risky. I really do not know. And am not really seeing any lights.
Well, I think the day will come when the light finally dawns. I really hope so. And I hope that day won’t come too late.
But, I can make myself happy, and others around me happy. Not pretending to be happy. But genuinely happy. The fact that happiness and frustration can exist at the same time is something I could not understand as well. I can make myself be enthusiastic and positive about things. About life. Not pretending to be enthusiastic and positive, but really enthusiastic and positive.
How can that happen, I really do not know. Life is full of contradictions. The best part is these contradictions co-exist. And the better part is to know that you can somehow determine how you want to feel.
I remember reading somewhere, forgotten where, probably in one of William James work which I read a few years back, that our action determines our emotions. We are happy not because we feel happy. We are happy because we act happy. We run not because we are scared of the snake. We are scared of the snake because we run.
This becomes very true when every morning, when the alarm clock rings, I begin to think what’s the point of going to work like a zombie. Perhaps I can just take the day off. But somehow, my mind miraculously moved my body, and I wake up.
Miraculously also, I do not feel the same way I felt just a minute ago. I am all positive and enthusiastic.
It is a miracle. Our actions determine our emotions. Not the other way round.