What If…

What if one day, when you wake up, you feel a bit wierd. You have no idea why you feel so weird. You woke up at exactly the time you wanted to wake up, you sort of remember a bit of your dream but helplessly letting the memory of the dream fade little by little, you go to the bathroom as usual, you look into the mirror and you see the usual face that needs a good shaving, you still go to iron the clothes as usual, taking extra care not to burn the clothes which you do not have many left in the wardrobe. Everything is so mundane, so routine. But you still feel weird.

Then you get your first kick. Ah, what would you like for breakfast today? Yes, you will have your usual Nescafe but hmmmm….. what do you want to eat, you think? The hot plate noodle, the nasi lemak, the fried kuay teow, the curry mee, the egg and bread toast set, the pork mee, the cantonese fried mee….. hmmm….. so many options. No, today is only Tuesday, no curry mee. Too heavy…. You decided on taking the bread toast set and you really look forward to a good breakfast, with a copy of the BusinessWeek in the car with an interesting article waiting to be read. Wow! Great day, you think. But, hmmm…. why do you still feel this weirdness?….

Then the feeling strike you immediately without warning at the coffee table in your usual restaurant. No, the waiter still comes to you with a glass of iced Nescafe without you needing to ask for it because you have been asking for the drink every morning you have breakfast at the restaurant for the past three years. You have a sip of the Nescafe, then you start to read that article, and at the same time, had a mouthful of the great bread toast. You feel nothing. No joy. No happiness. No contentment. Your taste buds work but you just plainly feel nothing emotionally. No emotions at all. No judgment at all on whether you think if there is just too much milk in the Nescafe or if the toast is a little too hard today.

You drink the Nescafe but the taste of the Nescafe did not give you the satisfaction as it did just yesterday. The toast gave you no satisfaction at all. They also did not give you any dissatisfactions. You just felt, well…… nothing! No opinions at all!!

It is a really scary thought – what if one day, when you wake up, you lose the ability to appreciate anything at all. No feelings whatsoever arise. You just feel nothing. You listen to music but could not really appreciate it. Your ears register the music and recognises it but the music arouse no emotions and opinions from you. You go watch a movie. Your eyes recognise the moving images and sound but you felt nothing for the movie. You have lost all judgment and the capacity to pronounce an opinion. No emotions. Nothing. You are not really sure if it’s a good movie or not. Yes, you know it is a movie, but no matter how hard you try, you simply could not come up with a judgment nor opinion on the movie! You also cease to appreciate people because you simply felt nothing for them. When people shows you love, you know they showed you love but inside you felt nothing. No warmth generated from the love that was just bestowed on you. You know but you cannot feel.

You have lost the ability to appreciate! That’s all!

And as time goes by, you get used to this. You begin to parrot opinions that you have heard or read because you have lost the ability to generate opinions. You begin to tell people how great they are but really does not mean it because simply you do not have the ability to really appreciate how great people are. Because you want to hide this weakness, you begin to just follow what the majority likes. You want to become one of them. If you happen to come in contact with a bunch of artsy-fartsy people, you begin to parrot their tastes. You may even be so good at parroting, you may end up championing their tastes but most of the time, you have no idea what you are talking about.

And as time goes by, you feel more and more empty. Everything becomes more and more artificial, and what you were before that dreadful morning is like the dream you had just the night before – fading helplessly little by little…….

Scary isn’t it? More scary is that there are actually a lot of people that suffers from this in real life.

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